A Childs View of Alcoholism

Since I want to be an "honest" writer, I am going to write a little about my past. From my childhood. A part I don't like to remember and actually thought I was completely over until yesterday. I do think I am "over" it but it doesn't mean it doesn't "sting" when I am reminded.

I have to give my sweet mother a disclaimer because she has been an amazing, hardworking, kind and loving mom. This was just a bad choice in her life and I totally understand and I have forgiven her.

When I was in 4th grade, my mother started dating an alcoholic. His name was Bob. I was young but knew from the start he was bad news. On weekends he was at our house with his whiskey in a bottle in a brown paper bag. My mom thought he was funny when drinking. I just thought he was obnoxious. I was embarrassed to have friends over. He was so clearly drunk all of the time.

When I was in 5th grade, I remember my mom coming into my bedroom and saying "we are going to get married, would you like to come or go stay with Mamaw"...I said "you can't marry him, he is an alcoholic"....needless to say, she married him anyway. I remember the two years they were married as the worst of my life. I would go to sleep with a pillow over my head to keep the blaring Elvis Gospel tape from keeping me awake. We had lots of other drunks at our house too, they would stay up all night. I just stayed in my room.

When he was sober, he just didn't speak to me. He would go for weeks and ignore me totally. I remember being so relieved when he finally spoke to me.

Finally, my mom left him. Once she made up her mind, he was gone. My dad bought my mom and me a house and life got better. I did not look back for years. It was really too hard for me.

Bob died in 2001. I just found out recently.

The reason I am revisiting this today is because it all came rushing back to me yesterday. I was sitting on the computer, listening to Dr. Phil (I rarely, sit still and watch tv without doing something else too). Dr. Phil had on moms who were alcoholics. He interviewed one of the children of the alcoholic. The little girl said "I smell alcohol on her" and it all came back and hit me like it was yesterday. The smell. The smell when he would talk to me. The smell of dysfunction. The smell of a full blown alcoholic and the way it feels to the child. Total powerlessness. Powerlessness and living in dysfunction with no control over anything. Thank God for getting us out of that situation and helping us to move on.

I don't know why I am writing this. I think maybe someone needs to understand the child's view of alcoholism. I go on intuition when writing and I needed to write this. I have been through counseling and I am okay. Just a little sting of remembrance every few years.