The Eyeball

This photo looks like an eye. I was trying to make an eye..haha

What if.....

What if everyone listened to

how they felt

followed the road they

were made to walk

used the gifts they

were given

what if everyone

listened calmly

and patiently

to the messages

God sent

everyone would

know, everyone

would feel,

everyone would

be alive

the Silence

Sometimes the silence makes me sad
I don’t know why
More fun to be had?
That’s not it
not fun for me
I am still searching
how to be
to be true
without any
falseness

Wear Tennis Shoes While on a Scooter!

Warning, wear tennis shoes while on a scooter!! Sweet Ellie is being much more brave than I would have been. :)

Supernanny Update- It has been a year!

Hi- it has been a year since our Supernanny episode aired. I am so glad to report that all 3 of my girls are still in their own beds! They are now 11, 7, and 5.

We are so grateful to Jo and the Supernanny crew for making it a wonderful experience for us and giving us the tools to parent successfully. :)

We still have trying times but we do now have to techniques to use. Recently, Emma started gettting scared at night again. We didn't cave in to her and let her know we were not going backward, she is fine now, it only lasted about 3 days.

Mima is doing good. They respect her space now and everyone is happy.

Ellie is singing, Emma plays soccer and Cara hasn't tried anything yet, I think she is leaning towards gymnastics.

It was a very rewarding experience for all of us and we will always be grateful to Jo for helping us. I will always be grateful to Jo for helping me to find myself. :)

Kim C.- you are an angel and one of the best parts about being on Supernanny, is having you for a lifelong friend. :)

I will update again next year at this time!!!

Children and Empathy

After the Good Friday tornados, we went to see some of the damage. When we were just looking at businesses, the kids were all excited and talking. When we drove into the residential neighborhoods, Emma said "Cara is not talking" (cara never stops talking so it is strange if she stops). I turned around and Cara's eyes were filled with tears. We were passing the home where a mother and baby died. Cara was feeling sadness for them and all of the other people whose homes were so visibly distroyed. She was taking it all in and it was too much for her. Cara is 5.

Children are very empathetic. I am going to encourage my kids to feel the empathy for others. It is okay and an amazing gift.

Missing Peace

When the rain hits the window

it is comforting

even though the sun is

more enjoyable

why does the rain seem

so familiar to me

maybe because it

makes me feel the

feeling that something

is missing

there is a peice of

the puzzle that is

just not there for me

maybe one day

note-writing is my way of working through thoughts in my head, I hope it can make some sort of sense to those who read it.

Right now, I am so thankful for child hugs!!! Nothing better.

Update From Yesterday

I went last night and had a great time like I knew I would. It was just so hard for me to see past the clouds to find the sun. Everything worked out for the best and I got to hang out with some amazing ladies that I am blessed to call friends...

Sometimes it is best to push through the depression, it is good to know that I beat it last night. :)

Please never feel bad if you can't find the energy to push through. I understand that too. It is different for everyone who suffers from it. It is baby steps to healing.

Walking with me

I am all ready to go out with some friends I haven't seen in 15 years. I mean, I have seen some of them but others I haven't...suffering from depression, this is hard for me. I have tried to think of ways to get out of it. I have to be truthful and well the truth is, I am feeling quiet. Writing is one thing but talking is another. Depression is very isolating and I have to fight that.
I called my friend Leigh Ann who has been my friend for 36 years and I asked her if it would be okay if I didn't go...Leigh Ann said "no and why"...so I am going. I am sure as soon as I get there I will have a blast but making myself see past the clouds right now is not easy. I have even given myself a headache.....
I will let you know tomorrow how much fun I had....remember, if I can do it so can you!

Today in April

This has been a good day for me. I have had some "not so good" days lately. Living with depression isn't easy for me. If I haven't had the chance to write or paint, then after a few days the depression comes back.

Last week when the big tornado hit here, I was very depressed. I had had lunch with friend on Thursday but by Friday I didn't feel much like talking at all. We were one of the blessed families who still have a house. I felt so thankful and so grateful because my family was okay, but the depression never left. Then, I had to add guilt to the depression because I now felt guilty for being depressed when I should be so thankful. We still HAD a house, so many people (about 250) did not.

Truth is depression won't leave just because a tornado comes. It has made me think, made me thankful, and I am grateful. It has made me realize how short life can be and I have learned so much...but I still suffer from depression.

I am going to have to spend time everyday writing, painting, or taking pictures..because if I don't I become numb, the person looking out from the window of my eyes but not participating. I can't let that happen again and because of a surgery I couldn't help, I had unknowingly compromised my recovery from this disease...

Today, after much thought, contemplation and praying I feel better but I know if I let my guard down for one second, depression can sneak up on me just like a black cloud that pops up over my head (I think in pictures,so I always see the cloud when I am depressed)...

I am going to do my best to take charge of it without increasing antidepression meds, not because I don't like them but because the lower dosages work best for my body.

This is how I have been feeling, I hope it helps others to talk about depression. It has many layers and many shapes, the more we talk about it the more power we have against it.

Thanks Christy for a fun lunch at Puffy Muffin!!! That was the best brownie ever! The pic is from lat October but I didn't take one today. :)

Without Words

Sometimes there are things

that words can't describe

feelings that can't be

put into writing

they are there but

I can't really find

any words so

I stay quiet but

feel the need to write

anyway

to try to make sense

of things in my head

that do not make

any sense

Murfreesboro Tornado

Murfreesboro Tornado
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_vboJmpx6w

The people of Murfreesboro are amazing. It is great to watch the good come out of the bad.

Re-post of Letting Go of Shame

searching for realness
how did we get to be
such masters of disguise
shame will only win
if we keep it locked away
and wear
the masks
once it is spoken
we are free
God was never angry
shame keeps us
from
seeing his path
once our eyes
are opened
we will
see it all

Happy Easter!

I am thankful for the reminders.......

Not Knowing

In order to write honestly on this blog, I have to write and tell exactly how I am feeling. I am not real sure I even know right now but I will do my best.
I really love to help people. I always have. In college I was only interested in courses that could help people or acting..so I graduated with a degree in Sociology with an emphasis in Women's studies and a minor in psy., also a minor in speech and theater with a theater emphasis. I did all of this without really thinking about why. I just loved hearing about ways to help people.
Right now I am having lots of doubts about myself....I still suffer from depression and even on meds, I am very moody. If I can't even get myself on steady ground then how can I help others anyway? I have always told others that no one is perfect but we all have gifts to be used to help. I am doubting that now, for myself.
Maybe it is because I just had surgery and all the resting has given me too much time to think. I don't know. I don't know what I should do. I don't even know if I should keep writing which I love. I am just really sad.
Debby, I don't know if I can find God in the rain this time...you are always so kind to me, you probably know me better than anyone which is why I tend to run from you most. You have the gift to see past what I am saying and know exactly how I feel so sometimes I run from that. I am sorry for doing that to you.
the end

how does it feel to be the person looking in from outside
you may not notice them
They know how to survive
It takes some time to see the look
of sadness on their face
Some never notice the eyes
they never offer grace
Once the look is spotted
it can be found everywhere
all it takes is peace and kindness
to get rid of despair

Hidden Sun

Sunlight is proof
there is light
behind every cloud
even if we can't
see past the cloud
it will eventually move
and
there will be light
again

How Things Change

Time always changes

some things heal in

time

some things stay the

same

some things never heal

but change in appearance

and how we see different

situations

the best thing

is to listen and

feel what is right

what feels peaceful

the path that brings

beauty and love

Little Bunny

Too many pics of me!!! I had to add one of someone much cuter!

Cara came home from a birthday part looking like this. She said "I am a bunny, I need a carrot"...

Spring Memories

Hi!!!

On this lovely spring day, I have been thinking about my happy spring memories from childhood. Here are a few.....

My mamaw let me plant my first zinnia in her flower bed. She had such a green thumb and her little white house was always beautifully decorated with flowers...even my Daddy would brag on her for her talent. I miss her.

I remember my mothers pretty sandals, she had all different kinds. She had flip flops and fancy sandals. I would play in them and stand in front of the mirror. :)

Spring clothes were always fun. Much lighter and I hated coats.

Going to the park, Opryland, the amusement park and fun places with Daddy when he picked me up for visitation on Monday nights. I LOVED it. I got to be a princess once a week. :)

I was always terrified of spring storms because of the tornados (without an e on this one Kim) so, Mama would sit on the porch with me and "watch" the storm. This helped me get over most of the fear. I now do this with Emma. She is so scared of the storms.

As I got older, I loved doing the flower bed by our driveway. I did most of it myself. It was great for me because I have always been drawn to color....

My daddy bought a vacation condo on the beach when I was in high school, he would take my friends and I to Florida every spring. It was sooooo fun!!!

These are just some fun memories I have. Would anyone like to share some memories???

My writing

I love to write and I love to help people. I sometimes write from what may seem like a place of confusion. Writing helps me sort out my thoughts. I don't always like the things I write, paint or say. I get very irritated with myself sometimes.

We all just have to keep learning. Living life gives us all the great opportunity to start every day anew. :)

Okay....on a lighter note....the other night I asked Kyle if he wanted Taste of China for dinner and Emma looked up and said "what did you say about a vagina"? I think I am wayyyyy to southern!

Enjoying your gifts!!

As women

we tend to compare ourselves

with others

sometimes dwelling on

our shortcomings instead

of our very

unique personal gifts

if we were all alike

life would be boring

we are all a different array

of colors and styles

made to work together

for good

to form a

beautiful rainbow

EMBRACE individuality-

You are made to be you!